Astrid’s Journey of Self Discovery

And so the journey begins…

When you sit down to reflect and tell your story the natural place to start is the beginning…but if it is not the beginning you are not the same person as you were then? Well here we go.

A little about me, I am in my mid thirties and I feel like in the past year I grew and developed more than I have in my whole life up to this point! Our world today is full of people who are on a self- improvement journey. This “improvement journey” is based on “fixing” something they think is not meeting the expectation of society about ourselves.  

I have been on that journey so many times. That journey is a negative mindset that puts you spinning in over and over again. Well honestly that is not a journey after all! A journey based on the Oxford Dictionary as a verb means to “travel somewhere”  as a noun “the act of traveling from one place to another”. With a journey the thought is that you will arrive. How can you ever arrive if societal norms and expectations are always changing?

I like to think I am on a self discovery journey. Some of you may have heard of finding your authentic self, if you are in the midst of that work like me, it is a challenge. This past year I have been learning to understand myself physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and sexually. Yes, I said sexually! I have learned that these are all connected! If you really knew me you would know that the word sex was not something I talked about or honestly even had on my mind. My goal for this reflection is to share my journey and sex will be a big part, because that is how this journey really started.

Who am I?

This is a very loaded question! I am Astrid (this is not my real name but for now it is, I will explain). I am not one thing, I am many things and some people get to see the whole me, but honestly that is very very few people…three. I know that may seem shocking, but if you really think about who knows your true self I bet your number is low too! In fact a year ago I would say zero. I still do not know myself completely. It is a journey, remember.

Back on topic, for most of the world I would be described as a mother, wife, daughter, educator, Christian, kind, honest, hard working, etc. I am those roles and characteristics but I am deeper than those surface words.

 I live in a rural area in the “Bible belt” . I was not taught about sex. Goodness, I was not taught anything I have come to learn. I had/have (journey) a negative body image. I am working to define my emotions and the source of those emotions. I am learning that it is okay to be different from others. We all learn and develop in different ways. While we are on that topic… if you have gotten to this point I thank you. If you are like me mentally in any way you may have checked out by now. I struggle to focus for a long period of time…unless the hyperfocus kicks in. I am not a writer or an English teacher for those who remembered I am an educator. I am a special education teacher and like all my students I have learned that I have a learning difference (no it is not a disability, I believe that God created us all to be different and we can learn how to walk through this world together). If you have seen by now I have very ADHD characteristics. My mind does jump from place to place. I hope with editing this makes sense. 

Why am I using the name Astrid?

I am going to be sharing my true self with you and that is a very vulnerable place to be. I want to be very clear I’m not ashamed of the person that I am or the person I will discover throughout this process. I have family, friends, and coworkers I care about. I know they will never understand the growth in progress I’ve made. Some would be ashamed and embarrassed about what I am going to share. I love my job and the people that I work with and sharing this information as myself but put that at risk. I am a Christian and very proud to be so, but I know that it can be hypocritical and look down on people who don’t fit its mold. I love my husband and my kids! Our life desire to be private, but the teacher in me wants to share this journey, because I wish someone would have shared theirs with me! 

The name Astrid means “divinely beautiful”. I believe that everything I share will show my divine beauty. Messy emotions, mental blocks, bodies, spiritual relationships, and sexual acts are beautiful. They are divinely created. I know many of you reading may not have the same background as I do. I have learned so much from people who are different from me. Hope through this journey you will learn and grow from me, as I will learn and grow from you!

Until next time, continue the journey. Remember you loved and enough as you are right now at this moment. 

With much love,

Astrid